Hopeless

So my duties at work have changed. At first I was excited because I would be doing some group counseling and I enjoy counseling. I was hoping the people BS would not be so evident this time around. Unfortunately I was mistaken. I have to keep reminding myself that I am doing this to get my therapy hours and because I like working with the population. I enjoy my job and I enjoy my clients. What I don't enjoy are people that speak in foreign languages, such as politic-ease or kiss my ass-ease or brown nose-ease. I don't quite understand those languages, so it's hard for me to pay attention and focus when those people speak those foreign languages. When did a job, a career, become more about different work place factions and not about your job skills? Can some one clue me in?

Continuity

Today I unloaded some emotional baggage. I felt better and I felt closer to whole than I have in a while. I realize that sometimes that unloading causing more of a stir than carrying it in silence, but I have to unburden myself. I am not a pack mule for everyone's burdens.

Today I realized that I belong to a society that has given me much purpose but no happiness. I am a secret keeper. In my professional life, keeping secrets is a no-no. We are trained to realize that keeping secrets only ends up in disaster. Although being open and honest causes a storm of unholy terror, it puts everything out there. Either the other person weathers the storm or gets consumed by it. By keeping secrets we convey the notions that we do not trust and the other person is incapable of making a sound decision. Maybe they are, but until we give them the opportunity to make a decision in the crest of the disaster, we will never know for sure. Secrets also keep us all bound up with so many emotional turmoils.

My goal in these next few months is to limit my secrets. I can't hold onto someone else's sorrow and shame. I have enough of my own to carry around.

Introspection

In the movie "Precious" the teacher, Ms. Rayne, told her students to write everyday. She wanted them to see beyond what they normally saw in order to see what they see everyday in a different light. I haven't been writing everyday and things are coming down on me. I understand now that I have to write everyday or continue to perish.

Right now my heart and mind are heavy. They are both so weighted down that I cannot sleep at night because the constant thoughts and feelings racing through my body. I know that I have betrayed my heart, but I felt so justified at the time. I can't take it back and I won't take it back. It has made me realize that I have to say my words out or write them out or they will choke me. I can't continue to swallow this heartache and pain simply because I feel there is no other option. When we keep secrets that's what we wind up doing, swallowing down pain, heartache, disappointment, fear, anxiety, helplessness. To make all that go down easier, we use food, drink, sex, whatever makes it easier to tolerate the choking, suffocating feelings that are there. If I want to live the way I'm supposed to live, I have to stop pretending that I'm not choking and suffocating. I have to change it now or never.

Every day the secrets want to come out like vomit from my mouth, my soul and spill out onto the world to see and look. I want them to point at my regurgitation, at me. I want them to see all of the pain, hurt, satisfaction, disappointment, shame, ridicule, heartbreak that I have kept inside of me for so long. When I think of it coming up to consume me, I shove it down with something that makes me feel good so that I can forget it all. The problem is I can't forget it all. I remember it all everyday. I can't close my eyes and I can't even, I just can't.

I will have to write here or somewhere every day. I have to write to those that help me shove these secrets down my throat. We can't continue to live this way. We have to change this style of communication with each other. I have to break free from this den of hallucinations and delusions.

This may be the beginning, but it's not the very beginning.

Mixed Up

During the Memorial Day weekend, I decided to do some traveling. My friend was in a beauty pageant in the Dallas area, so I decided to start there. I traveled there on Saturday. It was a wonderful experience and I am glad that I was able to be part of it for her sake as well as my own. Things on Sunday became complicated. I had hoped to visit with my friend in Desoto for a few hours, but schedules, we were able to get together later than I expected. So by the time I made it to her place, I was feeling the stress of doing so much driving in a short amount of time. I stayed overnight then the next morning went to my sister's house
2.5 hours away from my Desoto friend. Then I made the 3.5 hour drive home. My original plan was to go to the pageant Saturday night, on Sunday stop in Desoto for a few hours, head to my sister's and come back on from there. I had thought to spend all of Memorial Day sleeping and recovering from my trip. The best laid plans....


So before I kicked off the weekend properly, I had to call someone from my that is part of my addictions to say "No." It would seem simple, but it isn't. I was okay with things until the person made a comment towards the end of the phone call about my trip. The comment was something to the effect of "I don't know if you are going for pleasure, but have a good time..." After I hung up that was the only part of the conversation that I could remember. I felt like calling back and saying, "what do yo mean "going for pleasure?" I told you what I was going to do and it was really none of your business." I am realizing that I put too much into trying to keep the relationships casual, but others put effort into making them
personal. If you never call me again, then I'm cool. This is why my addictions have to end. I am not looking for anything lasting, just something to do, like shopping. On the other hand the other person is looking for a connection which I don't want to make nor am I willing to make it. I have to end these type of behaviors. They are destroying me inside and out.

I am realizing that this struggle with "living right" is harder than expected. What does "living right" mean? Does it mean that I am stagnant and constant or does it mean I can by dynamic and reliable? All I know that is I'm trying to live right, but it doesn't always feel good. So as I take this journey of uncertainty towards something more stable, I continue to analyze this collage of emotions. Away I go ....