Introspection

In the movie "Precious" the teacher, Ms. Rayne, told her students to write everyday. She wanted them to see beyond what they normally saw in order to see what they see everyday in a different light. I haven't been writing everyday and things are coming down on me. I understand now that I have to write everyday or continue to perish.

Right now my heart and mind are heavy. They are both so weighted down that I cannot sleep at night because the constant thoughts and feelings racing through my body. I know that I have betrayed my heart, but I felt so justified at the time. I can't take it back and I won't take it back. It has made me realize that I have to say my words out or write them out or they will choke me. I can't continue to swallow this heartache and pain simply because I feel there is no other option. When we keep secrets that's what we wind up doing, swallowing down pain, heartache, disappointment, fear, anxiety, helplessness. To make all that go down easier, we use food, drink, sex, whatever makes it easier to tolerate the choking, suffocating feelings that are there. If I want to live the way I'm supposed to live, I have to stop pretending that I'm not choking and suffocating. I have to change it now or never.

Every day the secrets want to come out like vomit from my mouth, my soul and spill out onto the world to see and look. I want them to point at my regurgitation, at me. I want them to see all of the pain, hurt, satisfaction, disappointment, shame, ridicule, heartbreak that I have kept inside of me for so long. When I think of it coming up to consume me, I shove it down with something that makes me feel good so that I can forget it all. The problem is I can't forget it all. I remember it all everyday. I can't close my eyes and I can't even, I just can't.

I will have to write here or somewhere every day. I have to write to those that help me shove these secrets down my throat. We can't continue to live this way. We have to change this style of communication with each other. I have to break free from this den of hallucinations and delusions.

This may be the beginning, but it's not the very beginning.