Mixed Up

During the Memorial Day weekend, I decided to do some traveling. My friend was in a beauty pageant in the Dallas area, so I decided to start there. I traveled there on Saturday. It was a wonderful experience and I am glad that I was able to be part of it for her sake as well as my own. Things on Sunday became complicated. I had hoped to visit with my friend in Desoto for a few hours, but schedules, we were able to get together later than I expected. So by the time I made it to her place, I was feeling the stress of doing so much driving in a short amount of time. I stayed overnight then the next morning went to my sister's house
2.5 hours away from my Desoto friend. Then I made the 3.5 hour drive home. My original plan was to go to the pageant Saturday night, on Sunday stop in Desoto for a few hours, head to my sister's and come back on from there. I had thought to spend all of Memorial Day sleeping and recovering from my trip. The best laid plans....


So before I kicked off the weekend properly, I had to call someone from my that is part of my addictions to say "No." It would seem simple, but it isn't. I was okay with things until the person made a comment towards the end of the phone call about my trip. The comment was something to the effect of "I don't know if you are going for pleasure, but have a good time..." After I hung up that was the only part of the conversation that I could remember. I felt like calling back and saying, "what do yo mean "going for pleasure?" I told you what I was going to do and it was really none of your business." I am realizing that I put too much into trying to keep the relationships casual, but others put effort into making them
personal. If you never call me again, then I'm cool. This is why my addictions have to end. I am not looking for anything lasting, just something to do, like shopping. On the other hand the other person is looking for a connection which I don't want to make nor am I willing to make it. I have to end these type of behaviors. They are destroying me inside and out.

I am realizing that this struggle with "living right" is harder than expected. What does "living right" mean? Does it mean that I am stagnant and constant or does it mean I can by dynamic and reliable? All I know that is I'm trying to live right, but it doesn't always feel good. So as I take this journey of uncertainty towards something more stable, I continue to analyze this collage of emotions. Away I go ....