Philosopy

I am dog ass tired. I have been in the process of getting my permanent therapy license for almost a year now. I am not even half way there. Most people at my point can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but not me. I am feel like I am still waiting for the train to leave the station.

I have been looking for a part-time counseling position since I began this journey, but to no avail. It seems everyone that is hiring wants you to have the elusive LPC. Damnit to hell! I am going to have to step up my game now because I am drowning financially. When you get supervision free through your job it's wonderful, but when you have to pay for it, it sucks ass! It seems like this will never be over. I want to wallow in my pain for a bit. I might have to find a position as a counselor intern full-time doing something i don't want to do
just to get the supervision for free and get it over with sooner than later. The one possible bright spot is that if someone from another area quits by the end of the summer, I can ask to slide into that place. That way I will be able to do more and get done quicker. This is a remote possibility. Although someone in another area has stated that they want to quit, I doubt they will. Some people become complacent after some time and moving in a different direction is hard for them to do.

When I feel like I am drowning and there is no help in sight, I have a tendency to over eat. I turn to food to push down these feelings of surrender and hopelessness. I weight myself everyday (like an anorexic) to see how much I have gained. In the last few days I have seemed to have lost weight. My clothes are fitting looser and I feel better. This gradual process of eating smaller portions and ingesting less sugar is working thus far. I wonder what will happen when something truly big comes along and I can't adequately cope. Will I
return to my favorite past time-overeating--to combat the feelings and emotions I refuse to recognize and acknowledge? Only time can tell. I am trying to learn to not change the rules and guidelines to fit my own purpose. I continue to learn.....

Rebooted

On Saturday to relax, relate and recharge, I went to Galveston to the beach. I wanted to the sun rise over the ocean, but unfortunately, I went to West Beach instead of East beach(a mental note for the next time). So instead of watching the sun rise over the glorious Gulf of Mexico, I watched as the day progressed from night to morning (sun up). I arrived early because I wanted to sit outside and watch the sun rise. But since there was not sun to watch at West Beach, I waited for first light. I walked up and down the sidewalk next to the beach trying to catch a glimpse of the white crests of waves that I could hear crashing upon the sandy shore. When it was light enough for me to go down to the beach area,
I hesitated. There was no one on my side of the beach and I feared that there was something going on that I did not know anything about. So I walked near the seawall and slowly crept closer to the water. Finally I could not hold back any longer and I took off my flip flops and nervously stood a few inches from where the water had last descended. I waited and then a big wave (like 2 inches okay, but big to me) came up and the warm Gulf of Mexico surrounded my ankles and lower calves. The water was surprisingly warm and inviting. So I went in
deeper, being mindful to be aware of drop offs--don't want to drown so early in the morning. In some places the sand was soft and silty and other places it was hard and unforgiving due to the large amount of shell debris.

I stood in the water wondering at the greatness of God and how small everything is compared to the things that He can do and the miracles that we experience everyday, but fail to acknowledge. So during that great moment I took a picture with my camera phone and sent it to a few friends to let them know that the Texas coastline is magnificent this time of year. I moved over to the rock pier area and sat down on the large rocks near the shoreline. I let my feet dangle in the water and even ventured into the water up to my mid thigh area. It was fantastic! I never felt more alive than that moment! I sat there in the warm breeze of the morning whipping across my body and the warm water of the Gulf lapping at my legs
in amazement at the wonders of nature. It was all breathtakingly beautiful.

Nothing else matter or even compared to the greatness that I felt during that time. It put some things in perspective for me. While my week may be the worst week ever in my mind, the world around me continues to spit out beauty; I just have to take the time to see it. Nothing is impossible when you believe in something higher than yourself and make an effort to make a commitment to do the right thing. As I look at the photos that I took of that day, I am reminded each time to continue on the path that was chosen for me and not become overly discouraged by disappointments. So I keep on moving....

Damages

So the women's group last night was a bust. I had two people show up and they were just there for moral support. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and deflated because of the turn out. I am getting discouraged at this dismal lack of participation by the female members of the church. I am angry because I put out all this effort and no one shows up. Also I am angry because I am trying to get my permanent counseling license so I do counseling part time and I can't even count this group because no one is showing up. Therefore instead of it taking two years to get my license it's gonna take 3 years if not more. That's a lot of money that I have to put out for counseling supervision. So I am also angry because I'm afraid I will never get this license, I will run out of time and I will never get to move on with my life. I need this license in order to get other therapy jobs and get paid what I deserve. I'm also angry because I feel like that time I spent on the group preparation I could have used to do something else, see clients in individual counseling. I am NOT getting paid for this, so I feel people should be more considerate of my time.

I am disappointed that counseling and therapy are such stigmatized words in the Black community. It's okay to sell drugs and have kids when you are 12 or 13, but it's not okay to get counseling. That is the worst thing you can do. I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

Although I didn't stuff my feelings with food, I did numb them with my sexual addiction. So instead of giving in to one addiction, I have into another. So I have to cut that one off as well while I deal with the food addiction. I wanted a cookie or a filled doughnut badly last night, but I resisted those temptations. I did make an alternative to just brooding over the feelings; I went to the local lake and sat on the pier for a while and watched the sunset. I have decided that those are the types of things I need to do. They are free and the only thing they cost is possible a few dollars in gas because I have to drive to the lake and my time. Yet in still I let my tight reign on my food addiction overrule my good sense. I gave myself an irrational reason to view internet pornography. While my mind was on controlling my cravings for sugary treats, I mindlessly looked at internet pornography. In my recent readings of sexual addiction, it has been pointed out that many addictions co-exist; such as food addiction and sex addiction. So to combat the sex addiction, I will be cutting off my internet at the end of this month (May 2010). All of my internet use will be at the library. That will cut down how much time I spend on the internet watching pornography.

So the struggle continues and I am trying to face each obstacle as it comes. Tomorrow is a day for me to reconnect with me and have some down time doing something positive and recharging. I have to unbind myself from the worlds of addiction. To quote Stuart Smalley, "I am good enough..."

Waiting

Tomorrow is a significant day for me. I have a group session tomorrow with a group of women. The monthly topic is "Praying for a good man: A discussion on what is a good man and how to attract a good man." Tomorrow is significant not because I have to speak about relationships, speak in public, if it will be good or bad or that the audience will be women. It is a significant day for me because I don't know if anyone will show up. If no one shows up for this session, then I will feel rejected and worthless, which will lead to me going to the one thing that comforts me--FOOD! Last month when no one showed up I did take it personal and went home and ate half a New York style cheesecake. The killer thing is that I don't like cheesecake, but it was the only sugar-high calorie snack like food that I had in the house. The cheesecake, a food I don't like, was better than dealing with my feelings of rejection from a bunch of women I don't know. So tomorrow, I have to find something else to do with those feelings instead of stuffing them down with the sweetness of snack foods, if no one shows up for the session. I know there are other things for me to do because I tell my clients all the time about how to combat boredom. Yet I don't listen to my own sane advice. Well that is not true, I do listen, but I don't execute. I can get into my car and scream, I could go home and cry or I could go home and play my expensive ass Wii. I could also learn to reconnect by working out, but I won't do any of those things because "good girls and good therapists aren't dysfunctional."

Although I know that other people are dysfunctional, I don't want to be one of those people. At the same time, I can't be who I truly want to be. I know in truth I am not a vicious person, but how do you tell someone that you don't want to hear their shit again today. "It's unladylike to be mean or hurt someone's feelings." Why do I have to be a lady? Why can't I be a bad ass woman? Do ladies like blonds have more fun? In the total sum of my life I have been a happy medium between lady and stank slut about 1%. The rest of the time I am at either end of the spectrum or pretending to be a lady while my private behavior is stank slut. I want to be that happy medium again. That was a good place for me. This journey will take me there to find that place where I belong.

So as I prepare for this group session, the nagging thoughts in the back of my head are not about me not doing well during the presentation, but rather will anyone show up for the presentation. This Freudian perspective that I am currently living is giving me a migraine. I have to, at some point, stop living adolescence and start living adulthood. So tomorrow will be a success no matter what. If there is no audience, I will blog about the experience and put my feelings out there for others to analyze--good or bad. If there is an audience, I will blog about the experience and put my feeling out there for others to analyze--good or bad. Either way my old lover, FOOD, will not be there to comfort me. I have to realize that our relationship is disintegrating. I bravely take another step on the road to recovery. Here I go....

Another Try

I am on mission to find my true weight and body without the use of gadgets or "miracle" cures. I have had over 20 years of that and enough is enough (Thank you Babs and Donna)! So my first foray into this almost uncharted territory is only eating when my stomach "growls" or I feel hungry. Sometimes my gauge on this is okay and sometimes not so much. My next step is an Over eaters Anonymous (OA) meeting. I started on that one a few weeks ago, only to mess it put by following my own rules. This time I have to do it right and face my "demons" (Now I am thinking of Devil's Food cake--so yummy!). My third step is to read the book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. For once Oprah and I are speaking and talking in the same language. I would love for my BFFs to join me on this journey, but these first few steps I have to take on my own.



I am hoping that keeping this blog going will inspire me to keep going on this road. This life of yo-yo weight is slowly killing me in more ways than one. This is one love affair that I have to gain absolute control over or end up in a place I don't want to be (although I have been in several places I don't want to be). So here goes everything......