Waiting

Tomorrow is a significant day for me. I have a group session tomorrow with a group of women. The monthly topic is "Praying for a good man: A discussion on what is a good man and how to attract a good man." Tomorrow is significant not because I have to speak about relationships, speak in public, if it will be good or bad or that the audience will be women. It is a significant day for me because I don't know if anyone will show up. If no one shows up for this session, then I will feel rejected and worthless, which will lead to me going to the one thing that comforts me--FOOD! Last month when no one showed up I did take it personal and went home and ate half a New York style cheesecake. The killer thing is that I don't like cheesecake, but it was the only sugar-high calorie snack like food that I had in the house. The cheesecake, a food I don't like, was better than dealing with my feelings of rejection from a bunch of women I don't know. So tomorrow, I have to find something else to do with those feelings instead of stuffing them down with the sweetness of snack foods, if no one shows up for the session. I know there are other things for me to do because I tell my clients all the time about how to combat boredom. Yet I don't listen to my own sane advice. Well that is not true, I do listen, but I don't execute. I can get into my car and scream, I could go home and cry or I could go home and play my expensive ass Wii. I could also learn to reconnect by working out, but I won't do any of those things because "good girls and good therapists aren't dysfunctional."

Although I know that other people are dysfunctional, I don't want to be one of those people. At the same time, I can't be who I truly want to be. I know in truth I am not a vicious person, but how do you tell someone that you don't want to hear their shit again today. "It's unladylike to be mean or hurt someone's feelings." Why do I have to be a lady? Why can't I be a bad ass woman? Do ladies like blonds have more fun? In the total sum of my life I have been a happy medium between lady and stank slut about 1%. The rest of the time I am at either end of the spectrum or pretending to be a lady while my private behavior is stank slut. I want to be that happy medium again. That was a good place for me. This journey will take me there to find that place where I belong.

So as I prepare for this group session, the nagging thoughts in the back of my head are not about me not doing well during the presentation, but rather will anyone show up for the presentation. This Freudian perspective that I am currently living is giving me a migraine. I have to, at some point, stop living adolescence and start living adulthood. So tomorrow will be a success no matter what. If there is no audience, I will blog about the experience and put my feelings out there for others to analyze--good or bad. If there is an audience, I will blog about the experience and put my feeling out there for others to analyze--good or bad. Either way my old lover, FOOD, will not be there to comfort me. I have to realize that our relationship is disintegrating. I bravely take another step on the road to recovery. Here I go....