Damages

So the women's group last night was a bust. I had two people show up and they were just there for moral support. I was angry, hurt, disappointed and deflated because of the turn out. I am getting discouraged at this dismal lack of participation by the female members of the church. I am angry because I put out all this effort and no one shows up. Also I am angry because I am trying to get my permanent counseling license so I do counseling part time and I can't even count this group because no one is showing up. Therefore instead of it taking two years to get my license it's gonna take 3 years if not more. That's a lot of money that I have to put out for counseling supervision. So I am also angry because I'm afraid I will never get this license, I will run out of time and I will never get to move on with my life. I need this license in order to get other therapy jobs and get paid what I deserve. I'm also angry because I feel like that time I spent on the group preparation I could have used to do something else, see clients in individual counseling. I am NOT getting paid for this, so I feel people should be more considerate of my time.

I am disappointed that counseling and therapy are such stigmatized words in the Black community. It's okay to sell drugs and have kids when you are 12 or 13, but it's not okay to get counseling. That is the worst thing you can do. I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

Although I didn't stuff my feelings with food, I did numb them with my sexual addiction. So instead of giving in to one addiction, I have into another. So I have to cut that one off as well while I deal with the food addiction. I wanted a cookie or a filled doughnut badly last night, but I resisted those temptations. I did make an alternative to just brooding over the feelings; I went to the local lake and sat on the pier for a while and watched the sunset. I have decided that those are the types of things I need to do. They are free and the only thing they cost is possible a few dollars in gas because I have to drive to the lake and my time. Yet in still I let my tight reign on my food addiction overrule my good sense. I gave myself an irrational reason to view internet pornography. While my mind was on controlling my cravings for sugary treats, I mindlessly looked at internet pornography. In my recent readings of sexual addiction, it has been pointed out that many addictions co-exist; such as food addiction and sex addiction. So to combat the sex addiction, I will be cutting off my internet at the end of this month (May 2010). All of my internet use will be at the library. That will cut down how much time I spend on the internet watching pornography.

So the struggle continues and I am trying to face each obstacle as it comes. Tomorrow is a day for me to reconnect with me and have some down time doing something positive and recharging. I have to unbind myself from the worlds of addiction. To quote Stuart Smalley, "I am good enough..."